music is life

Last night was interesting. I've realized that I need to be under the influence of something (anything, really) to properly function around people. I always thought it was because I'm fat. Now, I'm starting to realize that yes, a HUGE part of my anxiety stems directly from my weight/ appearence, but I mainly feel completely inadequate. Completely unworthy of sharing my thoughts, my deep feelings. I feel like everything I have to say is fucking stupid and no one wants to hear it. Someone will say something and I'll think of a perfectly reasonable response, but my mouth stays closed. My voice locks up and refuses to work. So I just end up sitting there looking and feeling even stupider. I (should) know my friends wouldn't judge me or think bad things about me. My friends are amazing. But I always have this big black shadow knawing at the back of my head saying, "shut the fuck up, you dumb disgusting waste of space. When they see who you really are they will hate you. Keep your fat mouth shut." Unless, of course, I'm high on something. Then that voice is properly stifled and I feel free. Except last night, we had "special" cookies and tons of smoke. Usually, it helps. But for some reason my anxiety would NOT go away. I barely talked the whole time and when I left, it felt so awkward. I hate feeling awkward. Awkwardness and embarrassment are my worst fears (guess they're kind of the same feeling, at least for me). I honestly didn't feel bad about the cookie. I had water-fasted all day and before eating it, was at the gym doing some cardio. And it was definitely under 500 cals, so... ugh, I don't know. I just wish I could feel comfortable and safe outside of drugs, isolation and Ana.

in the morning when you threw up water

and your skin, it turns a pale, pale yellow

well, every day you lose more color

do you think that someone paints your mirror?

do you think that someone paints your mirror?

and you think that things sound different

at the time when you speak

there are visions much clearer

than these blurs that you see

and like Neely O'Hara,

you swallow your sleep

and you wake up in the morning

to find out you are not,

you are not who,

you are not who

you used to be

you don't recognize behavior

or the spelling of your name

and the shape that's in the mirror

you'd swear it's not the same

and like Neely O'Hara,

you swallow your sleep

and you really can't remember

but you know you are not,

think you are not,

no, you are not who you used to be

you used to be,

you used to be,
you used to be

no you are not

no you are not

no you are not

- Neely O'Hara, Bright Eyes

(bitter)sweet progress

Stats
HT: 5'6"
HW: 230
CW: 156.6
CGW: 150
UGW: 115

Measurements
Neck: 14"
Chest: 39"
Waist: 32"
Hip: 36.5"
Thigh: 22.5"
Calf: 15.5"
Arm: 13.5"
Ankle: 8.75"
Wrist: 6.75"
Belly: 38.5"




So, I'm upset that I lost my measurements from when I was around 180. I wanted to see if I made any progress inch-wise. Well, at least I won't lose them this time. I'm probably only going to measure myself once a month, or if I feel a need to. They're pretty sick right now, but the gym and restriction should cure that... which reminds me of my binge last night. My body confuses the shit out of me sometimes. After everything I ate (and not being able to purge any of it), I still weigh the same the next day. Even though it's a huge relief, I still can't stand myself. Why, after I've made so much progress, would I want to gorge myself and risk fucking it all up? It's not worth it. NOT WORTH IT. NOT FUCKING WORTH IT. Needless to say, I'm water-fasting today and going to the gym later.

Khloe and I are keeping our calorie intake under 500. She's one of the only things that have kept me in line over these past couple years that we started walking with Ana. When one of us messes up, we kick the other into gear and inspire each other. We went off track for a while, but the guilt always finds you. So we've restarted our journey and don't plan on stopping until we reach our goal weights. It's the most amazing feeling when you not only have a best friend that loves, understands and would do anything for you, but is willing and eager to take one of the hardest journeys of your life with you, too. She makes me proud, makes me motivated. I can't let her down. I can't let Ana down. I can't let myself down.

I want to reach 150 by December 9th.

a quiet day

There's not much going through my head right now except my goals. After the past weekend, I expected myself to fall into a complete binge and curl into a ball of self-pity in my room for weeks. But oddly, I didn't feel anything. Nothing except determination. Ever since I started almost two years ago, it's like I've re-wired my brain. I used to be so sensitive, a big fat ball of pliable dough that anyone could twist and manipulate. Now, it's like I've found my inner strength, something to actually look forward to and give a damn about. I want to live my life, in the body I want. It's that simple. And until then, I have to take every critique and dirty look and stab in the back as fuel.

...these pictures help, too. :D

strength & willpower

It's so easy to change your life.

Something happens where you're forced to stop and look at yourself.
Are you happy with your life, who you are, where you are? Do you feel envious, sick, half normal but half ridiculous puppet flailing around waiting for someone to cut the strings? Good luck with that. The only way to get anywhere you want in life is to be proactive, move, do something. Lift yourself up, snap the strings and get the fuck out of there. It's like flipping a switch- on, off, yes, no. Say yes to being who you want to be and don't look back.

"If you think you can do it, or you think you can't do it, you are right." - Henry Ford

The quote, to me, means that you choose your destiny, you have to flip the switch on and take control of your life. You make the decision.






Now is the time.