bad day.

If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am
worthless, selfish, unloved, unloveable, disgusting, sick, pigpigpig, nothing.
I am nothing.

I am scared of the scale. I am scared of food. I am scared of failure and rejection. I am scared of not being number one. I am scared of being inadequate. I am scared of losing this losing game.

I'm scared that when I get to my goal weight, I will still not be happy.
Sounds impossible, right? Every one is happy at their goal weights, right? They are perfect now, thin now, small now, so small that they are noticeable now-



I am scared of not being the "thin" girl, instead being the "fatgirlwhogotthin".
I am scared of my heart, and what it wants.
I'm scared of life.
I fucking hate saying it but I have to.

I'M SCARED OF LIFE.

I don't want to have my heart broken again, but I long for another love. I don't
want to be a conspicuous person, but I still want attention. I'm fucking SICK of battling myself. As if I don't have enough battles, I have to wage more on myself.

Ana don't turn your back now, you're the only one I'm not afraid of and when there's nothing left to take away give me the strength, the bravery, the heart to make it through and keep progressing. I don't want to ever stop making myself better, making my life better. I am NOT going to be an unhappy, stuck person. Hold my hand but don't hold me up, Ana.
I'll trade the taste of want and need and gluttony and greed for freedom. I'll give anything to not be afraid anymore...

a positive side to everything.

It's hard to admit, but I've come to realize that my number one trigger is heartbreak. The feeling of inadequacy; the feeling of knowing they would rather be with someone else than you, someone better than you. You fall in love, put your heart and soul on the line, and then realize that your heart and soul, your mind, your body, are not good enough- even for the simplest of assholes. It creates a sickness in my mind, my body. All I think about is how to make myself better. Be better. Be better.

You worthless fat fuck, of course he would choose her over you. You would even choose her over you. As long as you look like this, no one will ever love you. You do not deserve it. What have you done to deserve it, hm? So what if you put everything on the line and made a complete ass of yourself, so what if you always put him first and did absolutely everything for him. That's what fat fucks like you are for; of course he would take advantage. You need to be better. You are disgusting and worthless, and will be treated as such. To have love and appreciation, you have to be thin and beautiful.

It hurts, yet however masochistic, I love the fuel. It's less "Imissyouloveyouwantyoutowantmeback" and more "fuckyouI'mgonnarubitinyourface".



Dear Selfish-prick,
though I will always have love for you (for whatever fucked up reason), you will never have control of my heart nor I ever again. It will be your turn to hurt, to feel inadequate, to beg and cry and apologize and regret. This time, I'll be the one who is free.
Sincerely,
Jayde.




-----



what a mess you've made of
your pretty head; I
can't believe
they've left me here all alone
with you again.
and I blurred the line
between excuses and lies.
didn't realize you could
still make me want to cry.
(didn't realize you could
still make me want to cry.)

and it's always dead,
my endless time.
memories I can't get back and
conversation I'm trying to forget.
this will be the last talk.
this will be the last song.
this will be the last time
and this will be the last apology.

I hate myself for making you hate me.
I hope to god you remember everything.
pick up the pieces of things I broke for you.
it's just not right and I just can't love you.

I can't believe that you made it sound so true,
awful things that you think I did to you.
the memories that you made up in your head,
it's just not right and I can't go on like this.

and I'm ashamed of who I tried to be.
make for sure that they'll take away these...
I'm sick and tired of all these boring burnt up feelings.
I wish you'd let me be.
The Last Song, by S

let's go

It's been 11 days since I started the workouts and I'm down to 151.4 as of this morning... I feel like I could be doing a lot better eating-wise, but fuck, exercising makes me so hungry sometimes! It's not like I pig out or anything; I know I'm burning more than I'm taking in, but I still can't except 4 pounds in 11 days. Maybe it seems like it's going slow because I'm gaining muscle weight. I can already feel and see the difference, especially in my legs. I'm going to take measurements after this first month is over. If I put my all into these next two weeks, I can definitely lose 8 1/2 more pounds. For that to happen, though, I really need to start spending my calories on better foods. I don't necessarily eat "bad" foods, but I want to try to eat only fruits, veggies, calcium and lean protein.
Lots of smoothies, salads, and poultry. Trying to stay away from red meat, heavy cheese (no cream cheese or cheddar *sadface*), carbs that aren't whole grain, sweets, salt.
Absolutely NO fast or greasy food! Absolutely NO spending money on food! NO drinks other than water, diet drinks, and green tea!

I need to break this 150 barrier. I feel like everything will start falling into place from there..

xx