bad day.

If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am
worthless, selfish, unloved, unloveable, disgusting, sick, pigpigpig, nothing.
I am nothing.

I am scared of the scale. I am scared of food. I am scared of failure and rejection. I am scared of not being number one. I am scared of being inadequate. I am scared of losing this losing game.

I'm scared that when I get to my goal weight, I will still not be happy.
Sounds impossible, right? Every one is happy at their goal weights, right? They are perfect now, thin now, small now, so small that they are noticeable now-



I am scared of not being the "thin" girl, instead being the "fatgirlwhogotthin".
I am scared of my heart, and what it wants.
I'm scared of life.
I fucking hate saying it but I have to.

I'M SCARED OF LIFE.

I don't want to have my heart broken again, but I long for another love. I don't
want to be a conspicuous person, but I still want attention. I'm fucking SICK of battling myself. As if I don't have enough battles, I have to wage more on myself.

Ana don't turn your back now, you're the only one I'm not afraid of and when there's nothing left to take away give me the strength, the bravery, the heart to make it through and keep progressing. I don't want to ever stop making myself better, making my life better. I am NOT going to be an unhappy, stuck person. Hold my hand but don't hold me up, Ana.
I'll trade the taste of want and need and gluttony and greed for freedom. I'll give anything to not be afraid anymore...

a positive side to everything.

It's hard to admit, but I've come to realize that my number one trigger is heartbreak. The feeling of inadequacy; the feeling of knowing they would rather be with someone else than you, someone better than you. You fall in love, put your heart and soul on the line, and then realize that your heart and soul, your mind, your body, are not good enough- even for the simplest of assholes. It creates a sickness in my mind, my body. All I think about is how to make myself better. Be better. Be better.

You worthless fat fuck, of course he would choose her over you. You would even choose her over you. As long as you look like this, no one will ever love you. You do not deserve it. What have you done to deserve it, hm? So what if you put everything on the line and made a complete ass of yourself, so what if you always put him first and did absolutely everything for him. That's what fat fucks like you are for; of course he would take advantage. You need to be better. You are disgusting and worthless, and will be treated as such. To have love and appreciation, you have to be thin and beautiful.

It hurts, yet however masochistic, I love the fuel. It's less "Imissyouloveyouwantyoutowantmeback" and more "fuckyouI'mgonnarubitinyourface".



Dear Selfish-prick,
though I will always have love for you (for whatever fucked up reason), you will never have control of my heart nor I ever again. It will be your turn to hurt, to feel inadequate, to beg and cry and apologize and regret. This time, I'll be the one who is free.
Sincerely,
Jayde.




-----



what a mess you've made of
your pretty head; I
can't believe
they've left me here all alone
with you again.
and I blurred the line
between excuses and lies.
didn't realize you could
still make me want to cry.
(didn't realize you could
still make me want to cry.)

and it's always dead,
my endless time.
memories I can't get back and
conversation I'm trying to forget.
this will be the last talk.
this will be the last song.
this will be the last time
and this will be the last apology.

I hate myself for making you hate me.
I hope to god you remember everything.
pick up the pieces of things I broke for you.
it's just not right and I just can't love you.

I can't believe that you made it sound so true,
awful things that you think I did to you.
the memories that you made up in your head,
it's just not right and I can't go on like this.

and I'm ashamed of who I tried to be.
make for sure that they'll take away these...
I'm sick and tired of all these boring burnt up feelings.
I wish you'd let me be.
The Last Song, by S

let's go

It's been 11 days since I started the workouts and I'm down to 151.4 as of this morning... I feel like I could be doing a lot better eating-wise, but fuck, exercising makes me so hungry sometimes! It's not like I pig out or anything; I know I'm burning more than I'm taking in, but I still can't except 4 pounds in 11 days. Maybe it seems like it's going slow because I'm gaining muscle weight. I can already feel and see the difference, especially in my legs. I'm going to take measurements after this first month is over. If I put my all into these next two weeks, I can definitely lose 8 1/2 more pounds. For that to happen, though, I really need to start spending my calories on better foods. I don't necessarily eat "bad" foods, but I want to try to eat only fruits, veggies, calcium and lean protein.
Lots of smoothies, salads, and poultry. Trying to stay away from red meat, heavy cheese (no cream cheese or cheddar *sadface*), carbs that aren't whole grain, sweets, salt.
Absolutely NO fast or greasy food! Absolutely NO spending money on food! NO drinks other than water, diet drinks, and green tea!

I need to break this 150 barrier. I feel like everything will start falling into place from there..

xx

Insanity.

So, I purchased the Insanity workout dvds. It's a 60-day total body makeover, blah blah. It looks reeeally hard. :/ I'm probably going to die the first few weeks, but it's worth it. I'm pretty intimidated but oh well, I'll do the absolute best I can. Today is day one; the Fit Test. It's not necessarily an actual "workout," just to see where my fitness level is. I really shouldn't have laxed last night, but I ate McDonalds (pig) and wanted it out before I weighed myself today. 155.8lbs. Ugh. I'm hoping that by the end of the 60 days, I'll weigh 130. That's reasonable, I think, especially since you can burn up to 1,000 calories a workout, and I have to do a workout 6 out of 7 days in the week. Only 25 pounds. 12 1/2 pounds a month. Seems achievable, right? I'm not really sure what I'm going to do about my diet. I still want to keep it under 500 calories a day, but with such intense workouts (they're REALLY intense), I'm afraid to pass out. I think I'll just eat an hour or so before each workout, then fast the rest of the day. If I do lose 25 pounds in these two upcoming months, then that means I'll only be 15 pounds away from my ultimate goal weight (115 ♥ ). It's so crazy to think about it. I'm SO fucking close. I look back to the days when I was 230 and can't believe I've even made it this far.

Cheers to Ana; you didn't give up on me then, and you're stronger than you've ever been now. Let's make it happen, love..

fever dream

So, the past few days (excluding yesterday) were disasterous. I just ate and ate and ate. I hate how I can never shake off this all-or-nothing mentality. I'll eat one bad thing then think, "fuck it, I already messed up, so why does it matter?" No no no, it does matter! Ugh, my willpower is pathetic. Finally, Sunday night, Ana slapped me in my glutton face and said What the fuck are you doing?! So I promptly took laxatives and shit my guts out for the remainder of the night (fun fun). Then yesterday I water-fasted, mainly because I wanted to weigh myself this morning and make sure I was completely empty. I hadn't weighed myself in about a week; I was way too scared because I know I gained. Anyway, this morning came around and I grew enough balls to step on the scale annnndddd... 155.0lbs. Which was a huge relief. Didn't lose, didn't gain. Well, my lowest was 153, but those two pounds will come right off if I don't decide to fuck it up again.

Khloe and I are still doing our little competition. Her starting weight is 238.5lbs, mine is 155.0lbs. 130lbs and a new outfit, here I come!


In-take for the day:
Lunch- banana yogurt, 80 calories
Dinner- orange sesame chicken SmartOnes, 320 calories
Total: 400 calories

Jayde & Khloe's Race to Goal #1

Khloe and I have decided to start a race to the finish, the finish being our goal weights! My next goal weight is 130lbs; hers is 199lbs. The one who reaches their goal weight first, wins. It'll be a nice, healthy competition (not vicious or sabotaging, lol). We've always helped each other, but now we'll see how well we can do on our own. It'll be a fun little shake-up to our diets, too. We're doing a weigh-in and starting tomorrow. I'm laxing today, so I should be empty for the weigh-in tomorrow. Loser buys the winner a brand new outfit! The outfit is redeemable at any time the winner wants (as long as the funds are there, haha). I'll post the starting weights tomorrow.
xx

music is life

Last night was interesting. I've realized that I need to be under the influence of something (anything, really) to properly function around people. I always thought it was because I'm fat. Now, I'm starting to realize that yes, a HUGE part of my anxiety stems directly from my weight/ appearence, but I mainly feel completely inadequate. Completely unworthy of sharing my thoughts, my deep feelings. I feel like everything I have to say is fucking stupid and no one wants to hear it. Someone will say something and I'll think of a perfectly reasonable response, but my mouth stays closed. My voice locks up and refuses to work. So I just end up sitting there looking and feeling even stupider. I (should) know my friends wouldn't judge me or think bad things about me. My friends are amazing. But I always have this big black shadow knawing at the back of my head saying, "shut the fuck up, you dumb disgusting waste of space. When they see who you really are they will hate you. Keep your fat mouth shut." Unless, of course, I'm high on something. Then that voice is properly stifled and I feel free. Except last night, we had "special" cookies and tons of smoke. Usually, it helps. But for some reason my anxiety would NOT go away. I barely talked the whole time and when I left, it felt so awkward. I hate feeling awkward. Awkwardness and embarrassment are my worst fears (guess they're kind of the same feeling, at least for me). I honestly didn't feel bad about the cookie. I had water-fasted all day and before eating it, was at the gym doing some cardio. And it was definitely under 500 cals, so... ugh, I don't know. I just wish I could feel comfortable and safe outside of drugs, isolation and Ana.

in the morning when you threw up water

and your skin, it turns a pale, pale yellow

well, every day you lose more color

do you think that someone paints your mirror?

do you think that someone paints your mirror?

and you think that things sound different

at the time when you speak

there are visions much clearer

than these blurs that you see

and like Neely O'Hara,

you swallow your sleep

and you wake up in the morning

to find out you are not,

you are not who,

you are not who

you used to be

you don't recognize behavior

or the spelling of your name

and the shape that's in the mirror

you'd swear it's not the same

and like Neely O'Hara,

you swallow your sleep

and you really can't remember

but you know you are not,

think you are not,

no, you are not who you used to be

you used to be,

you used to be,
you used to be

no you are not

no you are not

no you are not

- Neely O'Hara, Bright Eyes