bad day.

If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am nothing.
If I am fat, I am
worthless, selfish, unloved, unloveable, disgusting, sick, pigpigpig, nothing.
I am nothing.

I am scared of the scale. I am scared of food. I am scared of failure and rejection. I am scared of not being number one. I am scared of being inadequate. I am scared of losing this losing game.

I'm scared that when I get to my goal weight, I will still not be happy.
Sounds impossible, right? Every one is happy at their goal weights, right? They are perfect now, thin now, small now, so small that they are noticeable now-



I am scared of not being the "thin" girl, instead being the "fatgirlwhogotthin".
I am scared of my heart, and what it wants.
I'm scared of life.
I fucking hate saying it but I have to.

I'M SCARED OF LIFE.

I don't want to have my heart broken again, but I long for another love. I don't
want to be a conspicuous person, but I still want attention. I'm fucking SICK of battling myself. As if I don't have enough battles, I have to wage more on myself.

Ana don't turn your back now, you're the only one I'm not afraid of and when there's nothing left to take away give me the strength, the bravery, the heart to make it through and keep progressing. I don't want to ever stop making myself better, making my life better. I am NOT going to be an unhappy, stuck person. Hold my hand but don't hold me up, Ana.
I'll trade the taste of want and need and gluttony and greed for freedom. I'll give anything to not be afraid anymore...